Colostomy: Putting ‘Sex’ Back In ‘Sexy’
October 31, 2008, 2:46 PM
Filed under: Injuries and Maladies, Sex

I was having dinner with two friends, Kirsten and Kristen, who are both nursing students.  They are both wonderful people, but often, since I’m not pursuing a career in nursing as well, I feel somewhat distanced from them, like a foreign exchange student trying to understand his host family during the first family dinner.  Their conversations are peppered with their exclusive language: “IV” or “mammogram” or “dyslexia.”  I find that I can often get by when I just nod my head and stare, hoping that neither of them will correctly identify the glazed over look in my eye as incomprehension.

That night we had gone to a place I had never been before on their side of town called the Emperor’s Kitchen or the Emperor’s Palace or something cheeky and generic like that.  The food was unathentic and clearly loaded with tablespoon after tablespoon of MSG, which is the only was I can eat my chinese food.  The MSG and polyunsaturated fat does a bang-up job of covering up the somewhat spicy taste and rubbery texture of rat.

Since Kirsten had immediately made a significant fool out of herself by locking her keys in her car while it was running, I had very high hopes for the night.  I lit a cigarette and watched her. She was completely helpless calling her mom to come by and open the door for her.  I love this girl, she’s a dear friend of mine, but the aura of absolute embarassment that was surrounding her was too strong not to feed off of and enjoy.  We went inside since it was rather cold and rainy to wait for her mom to come and save the day.

The discussion had inevitably turned towards nursing or nursing-related things, and I began to pick apart my egg roll.  Suddenly Kirsten jumped and looked at me as if she’d just seen a ghost, but not just any ghost.  Like the ghost of a celebrity such as Harriet Tubman or Elvis.  “I have to tell you this…and you are never going to believe it!”  I didn’t want to state the obvious and say that I believe pretty much everything I’m told, so I smiled heartily and said, “Tell me!”

It began as a simple medical-related story, so I didn’t hear every detail because I was busy not paying attention.  What snapped me back to the conversation that I was supposedly a part of was this sentence: “She was having a threesome with two other patients…”-at this point my ears did a, and I believe this is the correct medical term, a “Scooby Doo”-“one was in her vagina…and the other was in her stoma!!”

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen.  A stoma.

My initial reaction was something like denial followed by a very loud outburst, causing most people to look up from their moo shoo pork and stare in wonder.  “No, that didn’t happen,” I said firmly, and continued eating.  It actually registered with me a few seconds later.  A man.  In a stoma.  He was…in it.  Not to inspect it or to, er, clean it or anything.  He was doing it for pleasure.  When the hell did a hole in your stomach suddenly become the modern day aphrodisiac?  I never got that memo.

The problem is that my reaction was slightly unwarranted, because as far as strange body openings go, I’m just as in the dark as most of blissfully ignorant Americans.  I knew what it was, generally speaking, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t picture it.  I kept thinking to myself, ‘How would that even work?’  My belief was that you had to be a seasoned pro at stoma sex in order to have a threesome with another person.  The logistics of it all were confusing, and when it comes to sex, isn’t logistics half the battle?

In order to be able to have a clear mental picture of this ordeal in my head, I decided I had two options.  One was simple and relatively painless: Wikipedia it, get as much information as you can, and I should have a pretty good idea of what stoma sex would look like.  My other idea was much worse, but obviously more fun: search the web for stoma porn.  I figured if diseased patients are being stoma buddies then there must be a huge selection of stoma related porn.  It’s like the porn rule of thumb: if it’s disgusting, nasty, smelly, and all around unappealing, someone somewhere is having a lot of sex with it on camera.

I was off to Wikipedia first, since my curiosity came during work hours and if I was going to be fired for looking at porn, I wanted it to be normal porn like boot-licking or fisting.  The link is if you’re really curious, but I can give you a pretty simple overview.  Stoma is Greek for opening or mouth, meaning that I’ve actually had sex in my stoma more times than I’d originally believed.  But I know for a fact that Kirsten and Kristen were not referring to fellatio.  It wasn’t like, “One in the vagina and one in the mouth…can you imagine?”  The simple answer to that would be that I could, and that I have, and that I would probably, for the right price, do it repeatedly.  They would have felt defeated, for their story had no affect on me, and we would have went right back to the previous conversation.

The specific type of stoma Kirsten was referring to was an artificial one, created surgically, called a colostomy.  The description is far from sexy and after reading it all I wanted to do was use the bathroom.  It’s a hole created in the large intestine that allows you to, essentially, shit in a bag.  Being a curious, knowledge-thirsty young man, I clicked on the link to colostomy, so that I could further disgust myself. 

After a few more minutes of reading, I learned that the colostomy is placed on the abdomen, which didn’t do much for my mental picture (‘Wait, so he like…did her belly-button?’).  I also learned that there you can “irrigate” colostomies.  The only thing I think about when I think irrigation is grown corn on the side of mountains, so naturally I was a little confused as to what they meant by irrigation.  Apparently, to irrigate a colostomy, you flush it out with water, which allows the feces to leave your body and go into the bag.  Barf.

One of the paragraphs on Wikipedia said that “colostomies are viewed negatively.”  That made me laugh out loud.  ‘Of course they’re viewed negatively,’ my thoughts exclaimed, ‘who on earth wants to shit from their stomach?’  But I’m told that colostomy bags are well-designed (Prada winter collection?) and odor-proof (that’s a godsend), and that most patients can continue daily activities with a colostomy.  At this point, the not-so-subtle subtext was making its way into my brain.  ‘Daily activities, eh?,’ I thought, ‘So…you too, Wikipedia, have fucked a stoma.’  I didn’t want any bias in my quest for stoma knowledge, so ignored Wikipedia’s justification and decided to just go back to work.

When I got home, I almost forgot about my other option of doing a Google porn search.  I logged on to the computer, completely conflicted but still a little excited.  It wasn’t like I didn’t know what was going to happen…it wasn’t like skydiving or trying a turkey burger at a diner in Kansas.  I knew what I was getting myself into.  But before I could type the words “Gay Colostomy Porn” in the search bar (I figured I had to add some appeal to it), I went back in time for a second when Kirsten had first told me the story.

How disgusting.  How lewd.  How inappropriate.  I remember thinking all of these things when I heard the story, but in retrospect, what isn’t disgusting and inappropriate about sex?  I mean, just because you throw a colostomy into the mix doesn’t mean it’s suddenly gross.  Sex was gross long before people were using artificial holes to enjoy it.  In fact, in a way, it might have been refreshing for the woman.  In all of her years, she was used to men in only her vagina and ass.  And now she has this new “toy” to play with.  Maybe she feels sexy again.  Maybe she flaunts her stoma, and maybe, just maybe, guys find this really attractive, although I can’t imagine where these people live.  And who can blame someone for wanting to switch it up a little?  It’s like going to the ice cream shop and ordering the same thing every time when you have tons of flavors to choose from…strawberry, mint chip, sherbert.  What’s wrong with trying them all?

And then I thought, ‘What if I had a colostomy?’  I mentally scoffed at this, but it didn’t occur to me that, while it wasn’t going to happen in the near future, I couldn’t rule it out for life either.  And what if my partner wanted to try that? “C’mon, just once!” he’d plead, “I’ll bet it’s really tight.”  Tightness wouldn’t be a legitimate argument for me, and I would go back to chopping celery for my famous vichyssoise.  He’d give me a somber look and mumble, “You know, I’d do it for you.  I’d let you fuck my stoma.”  I’d laugh and tell him that, while it was a sweet gesture, I had no desire for a stoma, and couldn’t understand why he did.  “Just drop it all right?  Hand me the leeks.”

I argue now that I wouldn’t dare let anyone in my stoma, if I was ever to have one, but I also used to hate mushrooms when I was young, and now I eat them in bushels, if mushrooms do indeed come in bushels.  Whose to say that my opinion of colostomy sex won’t change?  Whose to say that society’s opinion of colostomy sex won’t change?  I mean, in a few years, we could have people getting a colostomy just so they can have three different holes to work with.  Mothers would suggest it to their daughters as a method of birth control.  The possibilities seem endless.

I never did bring myself to look at the stoma porn.  Before it was a joke, a ridiculous unbelievable act that you have to watch, even if you don’t like what you’re seeing (think of that man who pulled semi-trucks with his penis).  Now it’s just like another random fetish that I wouldn’t necessarily partake in, but at least I could say, “I’m not into that, but whatever does it for you.”  In all honesty, there are much worse things to fuck, like a detergent bottle, a sidewalk crack, or Joy Behar.  I mean, in ten years, colostomy sex could be the new anal sex, and now straight men will have yet another awkward argument with their girlfriends:

“C’mon, Annie, just the tip!”

“No Roy, it doesn’t go there!”

Ah, but it does Annie.  It does.